Back to 12

Well, hols are over and I'm back working with 12. Here's the first half of the news from this week:

12 (answering a story problem about sports movies for math): I don't like sports movies, but I do like The Little Rascals. But that has no sports in it. But it does have a pool.

dangersecond: 12! You got peanuts all over your math book!

12: No, I didn't!

dangersecond: Then what do you call those nuts all over your math book?

12: Snack.

(while talking about her dogs)

dangersecond: Buttercup? The one who matriculated into the dog academy?

12: Huh?

dangersecond: You used that as a vocab sentence last week. I remember.

12: Don't be stupid. I have no idea what matriculated means.

12 (trying to remember what MRI stands for when studying science): Magnetic...Renaissance ... images.

12 (randomly): What would happen if you blew on a worm?

12: I wish I had a best friend who was a blob so I could punch him when I was mad and he'd be normal and it wouldn't hurt his feelings.

12 (randomly): I'm scared of poisonous pencil bags.

12 (singing to herself while writing out The Scientific Method to study for science): U - S - E! U - S - E! It spells use! It spells use!

12 (studying cellular structure): It would be awesome if every cell had to wear a sombrero!

12 (randomly): We interrupt this broadcast to let you know there is a killer on the loose! He looks like a donkey covered in mud!

dangersecond: Um, 12, you can't turn this paper in. Its covered in pictures of your school mascot being brutally murdered.

12: I'm pretty OK with that.

12 (on Jesus): Sometimes he's nice, sometimes he's mean... he's kind of like a robotic version of Santa Claus.

12 (randomly): Hey! Is scrap metal awesome?

12 (thinking aloud about a comprehension question for her English reading): What would I do if I was king? I'd have some guy whipped and have his poor little goat slaughtered. Then if someone wanted goat milk but that was the only goat around they would have to take the blood and squish it and dye it white.

12 (doodling on her homework): Do cookies count as people?

12 (singing to herself): Stupid the red nose reindeer, had a shotgun and a kniiiiiiiiiife!

12 (after studying history): My new career goal is to be a bard. I'll follow you and your friends on adventures and sing about them.

12 (totally randomly. Yes. Randomly): Have you ever worn soccer cleats that someone peed in?

12 (talking to herself while writing for Religion class): ...then she gurgled a chicken.

12 (randomly): I want a giraffe that would say "Peekaboo! I can't see you because I'm too tall and I don't want to move my neck!" Best giraffe ever!

12 (on her math teacher): She's got huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge haunches.

I don't know karate, but I kind of know crazy

12: Turkey is a proper noun. Its a bird.

12: You're scratching your eye! That's not healthy. You're gonna get germs in your eye so you'll have to go to the doctor and he'll tell you you're blind and then he'll take your eye out and for a second before you're blind you could see your eye hanging there and then they cut the wire and give you a glass eye with big pupils.

(I really love this one because it A) implies that my eyes are attached to my head by wires and B) shows that 12 is detail oriented enough to include the fact that I have larger than average pupils in her ridiculous story)

12 (looking at a picture of my friend's cat on facebook): That's a cute cat! Put clown booties on it! (she means booties as in little shoes for babies)

dangersecond: Did you check your essay's grammar, 12?

12: Yeah

dangersecond: Are you sure?

12: Yeah, its all correct

dangersecond: Including the phrase "Destroyed the city because of the when people Hippodrome"?

12: Evil!

dangersecond: Hey, now. That's not a word we throw around lightly.

12: I do! I say it to my mom, you, little kids crossing the street...

12: Are "partridge" and "patriarch" the same thing?

12: Does your mom ever say "Come back home so I can sass you"?

12 (Amazingly, this had almost no context, except for the fact that she has recently read the book "The Giver" in school): What if some old guy hurt himself snowboarding so he took away snowboarding forever and all the snow and all the hills AND all the snowboards and the snowboarding gear, so the youngsters were all like "We're gonna egg your house!" and the elder was like "Oh yeah? I got this new thing!" and he pulled out a gun and goes BLAM BLAM BLAM! You're all released!

("Released" is the euphemism for "executed" in the book she has recently read)

12 (while doing math homework): Is a cow a mammal or an amphibian?

12 (as a vocab sentence for "dignity"): I have dignity, but I'm not allowed to use it at Catholic school. (Sorry 12, I feel ya.)

12 (a vocab sentence for "historian"): Historian's writing does not look like goop.

12(When I told her that "my dad like dude" as she calls him has a Ph D in history and that no, historians are not just some men off the street who think they know the past): I have a Ph D! Personality Hydrophonic Delightfulness!

12 (a vocab sentence for "masterwork"): A masterwork of an artist is his or her favorite person. Everyone likes elephants is a fact.

12 (randomly to herself): A word a day keeps the mustard away!

12: Breathing indignant ranger dinosaur stuff!

dangersecond: What?

12: B I R D S! Birds!

12's definition of the word "calisthenics" take one: Stretchy, licorice cows.

Take two: Having a cow pull your butt. It'd be col and really, really painful!

dangersecond: Let's do math, what do you say to that?

12: I say you make cows make goat cheese.

12's definition of "prospect": Prospect was a guy in a funny hat who comes to town and tells you you need to change your ways or the witch will eat you.

12's definition of "recipient": kangaroo + amphibian + wombat (Yeah guys, I REALLY don't know where she gets this stuff from).

dangersecond: You need to put away your knitting now.

12: I'm gonna do that while I do my homework while I WATCH MY BRAIN MOVE!

12's definition of "antiseptic": Hand sanitizer plus chairs.

After a particularly weird day with 12, I ended up making a quote myself:

dangersecond: Use this word in a sentence that doesn't have to do with butts.

12: If the sun bursts because the milky way puts some of its milk on the sun and explodes it, we would know eight minutes later.

12: I don't know karate, but I kind of know crazy.

12 (randomly during math again): I want a fish AND to hug my fish!

12's definition of "monogamy": Doing the same thing over and over. (She was thinking of "monotony", but it works for this word, too!)

12 (during religious ed homework on a day I had brought her oreos): If Jesus had cookies in his time he would have liked them better than the Bible.

12: So, does your mom get mad at your brother for playing Nintendo and hit him in the face with a spoon and say "COME HELP ME MOW THE DOG"?

12 now believes that the word "haunches" is a curse word and that to "rub someone's haunches" means to initiate sexual activity with them because we were reading "The Giver" and she misread the sentence "The Giver rubbed Jonas' hunched back" as "The Giver rubbed Jonas' haunches" and I tried to explain to her how many levels that was wrong on.

12 (during science homework): Pens are NOT good for your digestive system!

12 (after we fell over onto each other laughing about something): You got your eye on me! I felt your eye! It felt warm!

12's definition of "stealth": He moved stealthily, like a cat in the whist.

12's definition of "solace": Peace, individuality and going to prison.

12 (mad at me for taking her pen): You're a stealer, cheater...cat...eater.

12 (Singing): Two is the greatest number that there ever was. Except for billions because it is better to have billions of dollars instead of two.

12's vocabulary sentence for "midday": I saw them that day before their midday death!

12: I saw a girl with spikes sticking out of her back. She was born with them. (She wrote this as an example of a sentence with prepositions in it. Because I laughed really hard when I read it "She was born with it" became a meme between us, just like "haunches".)

12 (another preposition sentence): During the bongos, I heard my stomach move!

12 (singing randomly): I want to be accepted into the group of dinosaurs!

12 (again, just singing to herself): I will be gone, but don't hesitate, cuz all you suckers don't know what's in my cake.

12: When a chicken falls in love with a turkey, its babies come out terribly wrong.

dangersecond (commenting on her reading): Do you know what the word "clergy" means?

12: Evil things of old?

12 (drawing a picture of a bear): This story is about two boys who go into the woods to find themselves a bear and make it eat dirt.

12 (another preposition sentence. She actually wrote this and wanted to turn it in as homework): The officer asked the little boy where the man had touched him and he answered "in front of my haunches".

dangersecond: Make a sentence for the preposition "out" next.

12: You are aooout of Canada. Talk like it.

12 (while pouring herself a cup of coffee): Adrenaline me, baby!

12 (filling out a heading on a worksheet): Is today yesterday?

dangersecond: No.

12: Oh. What day is it then?

dangersecond: What was Justinian most famous for?

12: Inventing public bathrooms.

dangersecond: No.

12: Inventing personal hygiene?

dangersecond: No.

12: Giving out free coffee?

dangersecond: Ok, you just don't know the answer to this one.

12: I don't know how to look passages up in the Bible because I don't know the order of the books.

dangersecond: OK, well, I guess we'll have to help you memorize them for your enrichment this weekend.

12: THAT'S NOT ENRICHMENT! THAT'S TOURTURICHMENT!

12 (commenting on her religion text book): Jesus does not look like a beloved son. He looks like an old man on the street eating his popcorn and feeding chickens.

12: I have a virginity test on Friday. (Meaning she has a test on the Virgin Mary for religion)

12 (writing a description of a character in the book she read): She's loud and her problems are easy to fix, like a Honda.

12 (in the same description): ....they live in a disciplinarian society, which is like a ciplinarian society where everything is perfect, except it is dark and evil.

dangersecond (quizzing her on the book): What if you want three children instead of two?

12: Tough twinkies. You get a squash.

dangersecond (still quizzing her): Why did Jonas keep the apple?

12: He wanted to know how babies are formed.

12 (randomly, while she is writing homework out about The Giver): Here's some food for thought: don't put shards of glass between your teeth because it hurts.

12 (writing out her real answer to the question about the apple): he wanted to see if it would change like... (she spaced out and then came back to the question) lions eating fish kabobs.

dangersecond (still quizzing her): What did he see in the first memory?

12: Some snow chillin' on a sled and some runners.

dangersecond (even more quizzing on The Giver): Why did Jonas begin to feel that his life was unfair?

12: Because he couldn't make decisions and there were no sleds.

12 had to make up new lyrics to the song "Jingle Bells" for her music class. Her first try was this:

Here's a wreath! Look at the wreath! Look at the, look at the wreath! (to the tune of "Jingle bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way!)

12: One time I pushed my cousin over. The little bitch blamed it all on me, even though it was all my fault.

More news from 12

12: I think psychedelic means something relating to peace, war and unhappiness.

12's sentence for "discovered": I found a snail today. It was next to a squirr-ellllllll.

12: Has there ever been a religious ed teacher who didn't such.

dangersecond: Rafi's Biblical Lit teacher was pretty cool.

12: Did he put on shades and say "God is cool. Your test is on how God is cool".

12: Did you ever have a teacher named Mr. Quiche? It would be cool if he had quiche for lunch every day.

12: The Bible is lame they are like "Thy would like a donut, well thy shall not have one. Thy shall have an hotdogeth".

dangersecond: That's wrong, 12, you need to fix it.

12: I have to write it wrong so that people will understand it! People aren't smart these days!

12's definition of living things: All living things poop and all living things get choke slammed.

12 (while I was trying to teach her about test taking strategies): Will you repeat your question which I forgot to listen to?

12 (While I am scolding her a little for not listening to me enough): Oh! I see the error of my ways!

dangersecond: You do?

12: Yes. You can draw on scotch tape but not on clear packing tape!

12 (When asked a question about her reading): I'm on call waiting. I have to wait until my brain picks up.

12: I wish Vyktor (my neighbor's cat who I had talked about before) was my step dad.

12: Would it be awesome if you had a quiz on oranges?

12: My stomach hurts.

dangersecond: Is it because you ate nothing but bacon today?

12: No, its because of all the BACON.

12 (While doing math): I like cream cake. What is that?

12 (singing to the tune of "Tomorrow" from Annie while doing math): Tomorrow! Tomorrow! We're gonna dissect you!

12's dietary advice: If you can bake it, broil it, eat it raw or do anything else to it, its gonna taste better deep fried.

12: I don't like writing "Q", "X" or "Z" because they are letters people don't use every day.

dangersecond: Some people do. My friend Alex has "X" in his name.

12: Oh, so I guess he knows it pretty well by now, huh?

dangersecond: Well, he graduated from college last year, so I think he knows most of them pretty well.

dangersecond: Oh! Today is Grethal's birthday!

12: Grethal is like Gretchen plus Nathaniel plus leave me alone I hate my life!

The following were said while 12 was working on a fake obituary for Miguel de Cervantes for her history class:

12: Can I put smiley faces in my obituary?

12 (to herself while trying to spell "believe"): L before E if you're full of bees...

12 (I looked over and she had typed this in her obituary): His mother was Jesus and liked curtains.

12 (Describing how Cervantes was wounded in battle): During the battle he was shot thrice, once in the hand and he took two to the chest.

(NOTE: I love, love, love having the formality of the word "thrice" next to the phrase "two to the chest". Dammit, I love 12).

dangersecond: Do you know how to spell "attempting"?

12: Yes! Duh!

(a minute passes)

12: Um, what comes after the "A"?

(Cervantes was held prisoner in Algiers for several years. 12 insists on calling it "The Algiers" although I am always telling her that's not correct)

12: Come to The Algiers! Enjoy a tropical vacation in slavery! Hey, is there anyone who would pay money for that?

dangersecond: ...Um, maybe.

12: For, like, historical purposes?

dangersecond: Yes. I'm sure that's it.

12 (writing the obituary): During his days in prison he planned four escapes. None of them were successful but its the thought that counts...

(the following are no longer related to Cervantes)

12: When I walked up to your car, you and your boyfriend looked like a couple of dead dogs doing the hand jive.

12 (regarding hats in her parents' office): I have to take my hat off because I don't have any rights, freedom of expression or free will.

Finally, 12's treatment for a Sci-Fi movie. Sometimes, when we have extra time, I make up enrichment assignments for her to do which use her brain. This is what she came up with when I asked her to outline the plot of a Sci-Fi movie:

1) The world is split in half.

2) The world is not actually split in half.

3) World dies despite recycling.

4) Scientists sucked the oceans into a ziplock.

5) Send in a rocket to Mars.

6) Wait two years.

7) Ship people to outer space and stuff.

8) Sadly, when the world ends there will still be some people. They will be very sad that their mom has died.

(I love how steps 5-7 sort of turn more into a plan than a plot for a story. Typical 12 :P)

I had some time away from 12 for the holiday where I ate too much, slept too much and had too much fun hanging out with my friends. But tomorrow it is back to work, and to awesome things.

Catching Up on 12

Once I get caught up on all the pieces of paper that have things 12 has said on them that are scattered about my house, I'll be making a daily post every day except Sunday, letting you know what kind of genius things 12 had to say today. You will need to know that 12 often has to write vocabulary sentences. I'm sure you remember these: the student must use the new word in a sentence. The idea is to show that you understand what the word means. Unless you are 12, of course. Then its to be as awesome as possible.

When I write about 12 I give whatever context there is to what she said, but sometimes there just isn't any. She just says things. Awesome things.

12 (randomly while working on math): I wish there was a giant kangaroo that didn't hurt people and would hug me.

12 (also randomly during same assignment): I like singing about fruitcake.

(12 has read her mock trial script in a bizarre accent)

dangersecond: what kind of accent was that?

12: Alien man cowboy French Canadian.

12 (randomly during Spanish homework): What's the difference between a bluebird and a humming bird?

dangersecond: Ok, 12, do you want to do your vocabulary sentences now?

12: That's like asking a goat to turn into a dog and bark, that's how unnatural it is.

12 (when asked to spell the word "truce"): I don't know how to spell it because its something that you do when you don't wanna commit suicide.

12's vocabulary sentence for the word "dread": I'm very dreadful because I just saw an imitation crab crab. Its made of wood and imitation crab and covered in fish guts.

12's vocabulary sentence for "fleet": The fleet of goats were attacked by pigeons.

12's vocabulary sentence for "suspicious": Whenever someone says the word 'suss' I get suspicious because they remind me of Nazis.

12's sentence for "determined": The determined warrior was about to return home when she saw a taco stand.

12's sentence for "occurred": What has occurred in the living room is a disasster because I just found out that Harry Potter is gay.

dangersecond (upon reading): 1) That sentence isn't going to fly at your all girl's Catholic school. 2) That doesn't really make sense to describe what "occurred means". 3) No he's not.

12: Yes he is. I read the secret chapter on the internet.

dangersecond: What secret chapter?

12: He's gay with Malfoy but they wouldn't let that be in the book. So its just hidden on the internet. You have to search for "Harry Potter Secret Gay".

dangersecond: Now its time for you to learn about fan fiction.

12: First, can you tell me why they needed Vaseline?

12 (after her pen has died): I want a funeral for my dear, beloved Penjamin. He died suddenly, when he ran out of ink.

12 (while writing a description of a "time travel tour" across the pilgrimage during Jesus' time for her religious ed class): ... you will spend each night of your trip with chickens and stuff...

(while talking about going to church in different languages)

dangersecond: I've been to mass in Latin before.

12: I'd like to go to Latin church because you can interpret your own God. God's saying its ok to have crystal meth!

(12 is reading a list of Spanish verbs. I have just told her that she needs to enunciate more)

12: Wouldn't it be cool if every time you said a verb you became constipated?

dangersecond: ...no.

12 (While reading about Biblical foods, including dates): I never knew candy could be bad until I had a date.

The following sentences all took place today while we were studying for her History exam about life during the Early and High Middle Ages:

dangersecond: What were leisure activities like in Medieval Europe?

12: Dancing, gambling and getting scolded by the church.

dangersecond: What kind of punishments did courts deliver during the middle ages?

12: Scold you and throw tomatoes at you.

dangersecond: What were some common diseases during the middle ages?

12: Baloney and death and leopard disease. (she was trying to think up "the black death" or "the bubonic plague" and "leprosy")

dangersecond: Why were homes uncomfortable during this era?

12 (adjusting the shorts she has to wear under her uniform while answering): Because they lived in uncomfortable houses and wore uncomfortable shorts.

(12's train of thought while doing math one day)

12: Who was your best friend in high school?

dangersecond: Leslie.

12 (as if this followed naturally): What's the difference between a scanning electron microscope and a transmission electron microscope?

dangersecond: A lot of things. Transmission electron microscopes were the originals and they can show a full image. Scanning electron microscopes can't show a full image of a specimen but scan across it and show it in a way that looks like 3D.

12 (still, as if naturally): Do you ever think about quail?

dangersecond: huh?

12: Well? Do you?

(while driving in the car from her school to where I tutor her)

12: They made an announcement at school today that we aren't allowed to say cuss words during break and lunch. When are we supposed to talk about our teachers then?

(I loved this so much because it implied that it is impossible for the students at her school to discuss their teachers without swearing. Its true. Most of them can only be described as "bitches".)

12 (randomly): I wish I knew what people would look like if we all had beards.

dangersecond: I ate a taco today.

12: What a coincidence! Guess what I ate?

dangersecond: A taco?

12: No, pizza. But I was singing about tacos while I ate it.

12 (while doodling): I wish more people had afros and looked like penguins.

12 (writing notes about her social studies reading) The Byzantine Empire had a lot of boats to defend against attacks from seafaring mermaids...

12 (to me, while we are reading the book The Giver for her English class, which has nothing to do with any of these things): Would you go sky diving and bungee jumping in the same day while eating a taco?

12's definition of "indolence": Me in every grade. Indolence from Kinder to seventh, baby!

12's definition of "indefinite article": Something that smells like juice.

12 (randomly during math homework): I wish there was a place made of milk that didn't smell like cow manurer.

12 (randomly): It would be cool if hats were real. Real animal stuff. You could see a hat in the wild... hats munching on some leaves, hats fighting... They'd make rabbit noises like 'grrrrrr' and mean people would tranquilize them and kill them and wear them on their heads as hats.

12 (to her mom, who has left the room and cannot hear her, after being scolded for wasting white out): Draw a mustache on your forehead and go away!

12 (singing to self while doing math): Committee! Committee! I want to be on a committee!

12 (randomly): What would happen if everyone in the world was deaf?

12 (randomly): I think cavemen are cool but I feel bad for the stuff they killed.

12 (randomly): You shouldn't put ice in your nose.

dangersecond: I wasn't going to.

12: Good. It would probably hurt.

12 (randomly): You should bring two people to the faire and buy them both corndogs and watch them eat them. Then eat a friend twinkie, because you are allergic to corn.

12 (regarding her mom): If she put herself in the freezer, she wouldn't be so greasy.

12 (randomly): If ketchup did its job you could pour it on a crying little kid to make him feel better.

12 (frustrated at math homework): You know what Math Teacher? You need to nap and never wake up.

That's all for today. More soon.

Quail? What is this?

My name is dangersecond. I'm a 22 year old girl who majored in Creative Writing and Film History at a prestigious East Coast liberal arts college. I graduated a semester ahead of my peers and went on to do absolutely nothing because I couldn't get a job, although I did get quite a bit of writing done. I eventually moved to Southern California with my partner, where within a couple of weeks I got hired as a tutor for a bright, energetic and creative young woman who will from here on be referred to as "12". 12 is absolutely brilliant. I don't mean in her ability to do school work, where she is pretty appropriate for her age and level of education, but in her amazing brain. 12 can come up with ridiculous things out of thin air. She just says things. Crazy things that I couldn't think up if I tried. This blog is dedicated to the things that 12 says. I hope you enjoy it.