12: You're scratching your eye! That's not healthy. You're gonna get germs in your eye so you'll have to go to the doctor and he'll tell you you're blind and then he'll take your eye out and for a second before you're blind you could see your eye hanging there and then they cut the wire and give you a glass eye with big pupils.
(I really love this one because it A) implies that my eyes are attached to my head by wires and B) shows that 12 is detail oriented enough to include the fact that I have larger than average pupils in her ridiculous story)
12 (looking at a picture of my friend's cat on facebook): That's a cute cat! Put clown booties on it! (she means booties as in little shoes for babies)
dangersecond: Did you check your essay's grammar, 12?
12: Yeah
dangersecond: Are you sure?
12: Yeah, its all correct
dangersecond: Including the phrase "Destroyed the city because of the when people Hippodrome"?
12: Evil!
dangersecond: Hey, now. That's not a word we throw around lightly.
12: I do! I say it to my mom, you, little kids crossing the street...
12: Are "partridge" and "patriarch" the same thing?
12: Does your mom ever say "Come back home so I can sass you"?
12 (Amazingly, this had almost no context, except for the fact that she has recently read the book "The Giver" in school): What if some old guy hurt himself snowboarding so he took away snowboarding forever and all the snow and all the hills AND all the snowboards and the snowboarding gear, so the youngsters were all like "We're gonna egg your house!" and the elder was like "Oh yeah? I got this new thing!" and he pulled out a gun and goes BLAM BLAM BLAM! You're all released!
("Released" is the euphemism for "executed" in the book she has recently read)
12 (while doing math homework): Is a cow a mammal or an amphibian?
12 (as a vocab sentence for "dignity"): I have dignity, but I'm not allowed to use it at Catholic school. (Sorry 12, I feel ya.)
12 (a vocab sentence for "historian"): Historian's writing does not look like goop.
12(When I told her that "my dad like dude" as she calls him has a Ph D in history and that no, historians are not just some men off the street who think they know the past): I have a Ph D! Personality Hydrophonic Delightfulness!
12 (a vocab sentence for "masterwork"): A masterwork of an artist is his or her favorite person. Everyone likes elephants is a fact.
12 (randomly to herself): A word a day keeps the mustard away!
12: Breathing indignant ranger dinosaur stuff!
dangersecond: What?
12: B I R D S! Birds!
12's definition of the word "calisthenics" take one: Stretchy, licorice cows.
Take two: Having a cow pull your butt. It'd be col and really, really painful!
dangersecond: Let's do math, what do you say to that?
12: I say you make cows make goat cheese.
12's definition of "prospect": Prospect was a guy in a funny hat who comes to town and tells you you need to change your ways or the witch will eat you.
12's definition of "recipient": kangaroo + amphibian + wombat (Yeah guys, I REALLY don't know where she gets this stuff from).
dangersecond: You need to put away your knitting now.
12: I'm gonna do that while I do my homework while I WATCH MY BRAIN MOVE!
12's definition of "antiseptic": Hand sanitizer plus chairs.
After a particularly weird day with 12, I ended up making a quote myself:
dangersecond: Use this word in a sentence that doesn't have to do with butts.
12: If the sun bursts because the milky way puts some of its milk on the sun and explodes it, we would know eight minutes later.
12: I don't know karate, but I kind of know crazy.
12 (randomly during math again): I want a fish AND to hug my fish!
12's definition of "monogamy": Doing the same thing over and over. (She was thinking of "monotony", but it works for this word, too!)
12 (during religious ed homework on a day I had brought her oreos): If Jesus had cookies in his time he would have liked them better than the Bible.
12: So, does your mom get mad at your brother for playing Nintendo and hit him in the face with a spoon and say "COME HELP ME MOW THE DOG"?
12 now believes that the word "haunches" is a curse word and that to "rub someone's haunches" means to initiate sexual activity with them because we were reading "The Giver" and she misread the sentence "The Giver rubbed Jonas' hunched back" as "The Giver rubbed Jonas' haunches" and I tried to explain to her how many levels that was wrong on.
12 (during science homework): Pens are NOT good for your digestive system!
12 (after we fell over onto each other laughing about something): You got your eye on me! I felt your eye! It felt warm!
12's definition of "stealth": He moved stealthily, like a cat in the whist.
12's definition of "solace": Peace, individuality and going to prison.
12 (mad at me for taking her pen): You're a stealer, cheater...cat...eater.
12 (Singing): Two is the greatest number that there ever was. Except for billions because it is better to have billions of dollars instead of two.
12's vocabulary sentence for "midday": I saw them that day before their midday death!
12: I saw a girl with spikes sticking out of her back. She was born with them. (She wrote this as an example of a sentence with prepositions in it. Because I laughed really hard when I read it "She was born with it" became a meme between us, just like "haunches".)
12 (another preposition sentence): During the bongos, I heard my stomach move!
12 (singing randomly): I want to be accepted into the group of dinosaurs!
12 (again, just singing to herself): I will be gone, but don't hesitate, cuz all you suckers don't know what's in my cake.
12: When a chicken falls in love with a turkey, its babies come out terribly wrong.
dangersecond (commenting on her reading): Do you know what the word "clergy" means?
12: Evil things of old?
12 (drawing a picture of a bear): This story is about two boys who go into the woods to find themselves a bear and make it eat dirt.
12 (another preposition sentence. She actually wrote this and wanted to turn it in as homework): The officer asked the little boy where the man had touched him and he answered "in front of my haunches".
dangersecond: Make a sentence for the preposition "out" next.
12: You are aooout of Canada. Talk like it.
12 (while pouring herself a cup of coffee): Adrenaline me, baby!
12 (filling out a heading on a worksheet): Is today yesterday?
dangersecond: No.
12: Oh. What day is it then?
dangersecond: What was Justinian most famous for?
12: Inventing public bathrooms.
dangersecond: No.
12: Inventing personal hygiene?
dangersecond: No.
12: Giving out free coffee?
dangersecond: Ok, you just don't know the answer to this one.
12: I don't know how to look passages up in the Bible because I don't know the order of the books.
dangersecond: OK, well, I guess we'll have to help you memorize them for your enrichment this weekend.
12: THAT'S NOT ENRICHMENT! THAT'S TOURTURICHMENT!
12 (commenting on her religion text book): Jesus does not look like a beloved son. He looks like an old man on the street eating his popcorn and feeding chickens.
12: I have a virginity test on Friday. (Meaning she has a test on the Virgin Mary for religion)
12 (writing a description of a character in the book she read): She's loud and her problems are easy to fix, like a Honda.
12 (in the same description): ....they live in a disciplinarian society, which is like a ciplinarian society where everything is perfect, except it is dark and evil.
dangersecond (quizzing her on the book): What if you want three children instead of two?
12: Tough twinkies. You get a squash.
dangersecond (still quizzing her): Why did Jonas keep the apple?
12: He wanted to know how babies are formed.
12 (randomly, while she is writing homework out about The Giver): Here's some food for thought: don't put shards of glass between your teeth because it hurts.
12 (writing out her real answer to the question about the apple): he wanted to see if it would change like... (she spaced out and then came back to the question) lions eating fish kabobs.
dangersecond (still quizzing her): What did he see in the first memory?
12: Some snow chillin' on a sled and some runners.
dangersecond (even more quizzing on The Giver): Why did Jonas begin to feel that his life was unfair?
12: Because he couldn't make decisions and there were no sleds.
12 had to make up new lyrics to the song "Jingle Bells" for her music class. Her first try was this:
Here's a wreath! Look at the wreath! Look at the, look at the wreath! (to the tune of "Jingle bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way!)
12: One time I pushed my cousin over. The little bitch blamed it all on me, even though it was all my fault.
No comments:
Post a Comment